a story of reconnecting with my inner child

For as long as I can remember I’ve been carrying around with me this invisible wall that I seem to be perfected in the art of erecting, right in my path, anytime I get too close to the wire in sharing my artwork.

You might think that sounds absurd considering there’s a lot of it on this website, particularly my text based posters. But it took A LOT for me to share that intimate work born from my innermost thoughts and feelings and was only made easier by starting the process super quietly, almost in secret actually by first creating my Tiger On The Rock insta account. To get myself used to, and feel confident with sharing my true feelings, I kept the account private and didn’t tell anyone about it. I just posted away, putting my artwork out there whilst adjusting to sending it out there and letting it go. When that felt comfortable I made it public, shared it with friends and family, started following other accounts and graaaadually, had unknown people following me. Creating my website 2 years later felt like a natural progression but nevertheless a bit nerve wracking. And then I started blogging, something I’ve never done before and it took me a while to get that going, I can tell you.

There’s been other times in the past when the invisible wall was put up, lots in fact – used to stop myself and hide behind. There were times when I thought of having a photographic exhibition and was really quite excited at the idea but didn’t feel courageous enough to approach the owner of the venue I had in mind. I designed bed linen, sourced the finest Egyptian cotton sets you could imagine, put a whole collection together,  made example sets, had big ideas of where I wanted them to be sold and then literally chickened out. And then there was the beautiful bowed bunting that I made, one piece used in a Mappin and Webb campaign, other pieces made for site specific installations and what happened? It all fizzled away. Or how about my Souvenir and Co business that started off with so much energy. That didn’t really get very far either. Oh believe, I put the work in, but I’d always just get to a certain point, the part where I really needed to launch myself, reveal myself and take that brave step and what would I do? I’d go hide behind my familiar invisible wall, I just couldn’t do  it. But I’ve gotten to the point now where I don’t want to hide behind that fucking wall anymore, and obviously it’s not going to benefit me any to do so. I look at my memoir sitting there on the shelf, collecting dust, and I ask myself ‘is that it Lara? After all that hard work you put into creating it, are you just going to leave it there waiting for someone to magically appear out of nowhere and publish it for you? Nooo. You’re going to do something about it and face this fear you have, this insecurity’

My thoughts go back to a young me and an image appears as clear as day of when I was 14 and at a house party. Like all house parties in those days, (the early 80s), they generally had a nookie room where everyone was getting off with each other. Sounds a bit WTF when you think about it but it was all pretty low key stuff, petting and what not. For some reason I’d gone alone into that room, saw all these couples around me and plonked myself down somewhere. I remember being curled up, like I was sleeping or something, feeling depressed but desperate to be noticed. But at the same time I was hiding myself away, curled up in this rock-like foetal position. I was willing a boy to come and notice me, approach me but of course he didn’t. No-one came. 

I continued to sit with the process and saw my curled up vulnerable me, my inner child, thinking, ‘please see me, please come to me and take my hand.’ In walked my adult me, my hand reaching out to that little vulnerable me and took her hand. I supported her in standing up and stood by her side, but that wasn’t enough. 

In the meantime I’d been feeling drawn to my brother’s teddy. The poor thing, it had been sitting on the shelf for a year looking a bit forlorn, uncomfortable even. Maybe it was because my brother’s anniversary was coming up, not sure, but Teddy was looking like he needed to get off that shelf and needed a bit of TLC. And so I gently took him down (his head is literally hanging on by a thread!), and took him to bed with me, making sure he was comfy, tucking him in under the covers. I’d have little chats with him and the more I was caring for him the more I started connecting with my inner child and feeling what she needed. I visualised going back into that room where she lay but this time, instead of taking her hand and expecting her to get up and walk by my side I went to her and stayed with her. I knelt down and embraced the vulnerable rock like me and held her, just held her in my arms, just like I’d held Teddy. I was there for her, reassuring her. We didn’t need to go anywhere, being held and feeling the security in that was enough. Wow! What a fucking breakthrough. I felt like I’d really stepped into my power.

My creative mentor suggested small steps with my memoir. How would it be for example, to send out the first chapter to friends and family, where it would be shared in a safe and supportive way? That seemed totally manageable, I could do that. I’d already started editing it and funnily enough I’d read how Louise Hay’s best selling book had started out as a pamphlet she started handing out, and then a book from my bookshelf that I picked up out of a curiosity fell open on the page where it said how it had started out as a pamphlet too! Synchronicity was working its magic again, thanks Mark ; ). My Chapter would start out as a pamphlet too, albeit a Lara stylie one.

Postscript – I have since designed and printed Chapter 1 and sent out 26 copies to friends and family in 6 different countries – it’s out there, and it all felt totally fine. I had a tiny little moment of, ‘ooh, I’m really doing this’ but it was exciting! I had to contact quite a few friends for their address, letting them know that I had something to send them, a little artwork, and boy were they excited, we were all swirling around in this excited love energy together. Without undermining the process I’ve been through I was almost like ‘what was all the fuss all about?’ I’m sure there’ll be other moments of stepping out of my comfort zone with new emotional challenges and vulnerabilities, in fact with no  time to waste I have one now. I really want to start some audio blogs, but have been kinda holding back on that one too, but have been practicing sending some to myself, and I now feel ready to share one here. So I have great pleasure in sharing with you the audio of Chapter 1 from my memoir – Your Were/Are My Sparkle My Joy – An Artist’s Inspirational Memoir Born out of Tragedy, as read by me, Lara Tremayne, which you can listen to here.

I hope you enjoy it x